Romeo and Juliet Abridged- Episode 1: Family Feud with Steve Harvey
by TheMeatSticks
Summary: Just in time for Valentine's Day


Romeo and Juliet Abridged- Episode 1: Family Feud with Steve Harvey

Characters-

Romeo: Our hero!

Juliet: Our other hero!

Escalus: The prince that'll make you wince

Benvolio: The good ol' big bro

Mercutio: At the end

The Nurse: Or the maid, whatever floats your boat

Tybalt: The coolest dude this side of Verona

Montague and Lady Montague: Team Aqua

Capulet and Lady Capulet: Team Magma

Paris: Yet another catchphrase machine

Narrator: Centuries ago, there was a battle between to froces that would judge the fate of mankind. These forces clashed for years, spilling the blood of many tragic and ironic characters. Among these slain fighters, were two star-crossed lovers named Romeo and Juliet. This is their story.

(in a marketplace during a fight between a group of Montague and Capulet thugs)

Montague Thug 1: Fuck you, you bunch of dirty Microsoft fanboys!

Capulet Thug 1: Piss up a tree, you sniveling Playstation thundercunts!

Montague Thug 2: Hail reverse compatability!

Capulet Thug 2: Viva la indie gaming!

(fighting continues, enter Benvolio)

Benvolio: (talks with a southern drawl) Ay, fellas, what's all this here?

Montague Thug 1: These dirty Halo lovers say that XBOX is better!

Capulet Thug 1: Our graphics are better!

Montague Thug 2: Take that back you son of a bitch!

Benvolio: I don't know what y'all are on about, 3DS and Wii U are the plum-done winners

(fighters stop)

Capulet Thug 2: Say what?

Benvolio: Hey, three words: Pokemon, Fire Emblem, and and Splatoon.

Montague Thug 1: Well, technically that's 4 words, sir. See, Fire Emblem is-

Benvolio: Stop derailin' mah argument with yer facts!

(Enter Tybalt)

Tybalt: Weeell, now what have we here, seems like my boys are stirring up some shit. Sorry 'bout that, you fellas seem to be scared outta yer hides.

Benvolio: Ay! Only one of us is allowed to have a Southern accent, we can't have 2 archetypes in a parody! It'll look like we're runnin' outta ideas.

Tybalt: Is that so? (pulls out a katana)

Capulet Thug 1: Why do you even have Southern accents!? No, actually, why do you have a fucking katana! I thought we were in Italy.

Benvolio: Oh, so thats how it is (pulls out a massive battle axe)

Tybalt: (pulls out a second katana) Hah, I'm gonna go all Afro Samurai on this motherfucker

Benvolio: 2 can play at this game (pulls out another massive axe, but is unable to lift them) Aw, shit guys, a little help

Montague Thug 1: Um, would you like us to use the axes

Benvolio: No, no, I wanna look cool. Look, each of ya grab an arm and swing, like in one of them Japanese animes with the fightin' robots.

Montague Thug 2: Sir, that would leave us exposed and-

Benvolio: Damnit, I said assume the mech formation! War machine time, baby!

(enter Prince Escalus)

Escalus: First of all there will be no mecha battles.

Benvolio and Tybalt: Awwww

Escalus: Shut up. Second, PC is better.

Capulet Thug 1: Oh, come the fuck on!

Escalus: Oh, I'm sorry, did that offend you?

Capulet Thug 1: Hell yeah it did! It's because of you're PC "master race" bullshit that the medium of gaming-

(Escalus stabs Capulet Thug 1)

Escalus: Sorry, but could you repeat that? I feel as though that "medium of gaming blargh" aren't very fitting as last words.

Capulet Thug 1: Go fuck yourself...

(Capulet Thug 1 dies)

Escalus: Ah, much better. "He fucked himself", yes very fitting of being put on his gravestone.

Tybalt: You done up and killed 'em.

Escalus: Yes, but I'm a prince and princes can get away with murder.

Benvolio: I thought they get poisoned.

Tybalt: An' king's get their heads cut off.

Escalus: Shut up. And third, if I every catch any Capu-shit or Monta-poo fighting again, then I'm exiling you a-holes.

(exit Tybalt, Escalus, and Capulet and Montague thugs. Enter Father Montague and Lady Montague)

F. Montague: Hey, Benny, where's the fight! (notices dead body) hell yeah, you already to one of 'em!

L. Montague: Please, no fighting dear.

F. Montague: Damnit, you know I only get hard when there's a fight.

L. Montague: (muttering) Not like you ever use it on me.

F. Montague: What?

L. Montague: Oh, nothing dear, can you leave me and Benny alone for a moment.

F. Montague: Sure, honey, just don't have an affair

(exit F. Montague)

Benvolio: (pause) So wanna have an affair?

L. Montague: Well, duh, but first can you do me a solid?

Benvolio: Oh, yeah, I have somethin' solid I can do ya with

L. Montague: No, for Romeo.

Benvolio: For Romeo? I ain't sure about that, he's mah best friend and-

L. Montague: No! For fuck's sake just talk to him. He's still mopping about that girl Rosaline.

Benvolio: Ugh, fine.

L. Montague: If you do it then I'll let you plow me like you're name is Jerimiah.

Benvolio: Then change that "fine" to a fuck yeah!

(Montague mansion)

(Benvolio enters Romeo's room)

Benvolio: Ay, champ.

Romeo: Hey, dude.

Benvolio: So how's baseball?

Romeo: It hasn't been invented yet.

Benvolio: Ah, ya. (awkward scilence) fuck it, what's your deal man?

Romeo: What?

Benvolio: You've done nothin' for the past 3 days but listen to grunge and phwack off!

Romeo: That is...partially true!

(cuts to Romeo crying, eating ice cream, and singing "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails)

Romeo: What have I become! My sweetest friend!

(cuts back)

Romeo: Trent Reznor is the only one that understands me!

Benvolio: Yeah, because a celebrity that makes good music and fucks super models covered in cocaine must be depressed. Seriously, what's your deal, bro?

Romeo: It's about Rosaline...

Benvolio: Well hold da fuckin' presses, who coulda seen that comin'.

Romeo: She laughed.

Benvolio: Why?

Romeo: I showed it to her.

Benvolio: Showed her wha- (shocked) Oh my fucking god

Romeo: I mean, 5 inches is normal, right?

Benvolio: Alcohal.

Romeo: What?

Benvolio: To the bar. Where there is alcohal.

Romeo: For me or you?

Benvolio: (quickly) Both.

(cuts to the Capulet estate as preparations are made for the party)

Lady Capulet: (talking to a servant) I don't want any of that pop 80's shit at the ball, I want something modern, something fresh. You know what, just fill up the playlist with Major Lazer or Justin Beiber or whatever the kids are listening to these days.

Servant: No 80's pop?

Lady Capulet: Yes

Servant: What about Abba?

Lady Capulet:(thinking) Shit, yeah, put Abba on the playlist. But near the end when people will be too drunk and full of roofies to notice.

Servant: Yes, ma'am

(exit servant, enter Juliet)

Juliet: Hey, mom, can we talk?

Lady Capulet: Of course, sweetheart

Juliet: Well, I-

Lady Capulet: How's that vagina?

Juliet: (surprised) What?

Lady Capulet: FIlled with any baby butter yet?

Juliet: Jesus, mom! This is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about

Lady Capulet: Sweetie, please, I don't need to hear the details of how you and Paris did it

Juliet: (annoyed) We've never even do anything! And I really don't want to do anything with that weirdo

Paris: Mmmmmmmlemmetouchthatbooty,babymmmmmmmmmmmm

Juliet: No!

Paris: Mmmmmmmmmmm

Lady Capulet: C'mon now, dear, I don't see why you wouldn't want to marry him

Paris: MmmmmmmmyeahJulietmmmmmm

Juliet: Well, THAT for one thing

Paris: Mmmmmmwhatdoyoumeanmmmmmmmm?

Juliet: THAT, that thing you do. Not to mention the fact that you're twice as old as I am and you're my COUSIN!

Lady Capulet: Don't be so reasonably dramatic, dear. If this parody were anything like the actual time period this play was written then you would already be married and have his seed all up in you.

Juliet: And that's my cue to leave! Whatever, I'm going to get ready.

Paris: Mmmmmmmbitchesbecrazymmmmm

(enter the Nurse)

The Nurse: You wanted to see me, ma'am?

Lady Capulet: Yes (hands her tickets) give these tickets to the guests. And Nurse?

The Nurse: Yeah?

Lady Capulet: What was it that happened last time I did this?

The Nurse: Hmm...

(cuts to a flashback of The Nurse at a bar)

The Nurse: (drinking and singing Tubthumping by Chumpawumba) I get knocked down, but I get up again.

(cuts back)

The Nurse: I'm drawing a blank here

Lady Capulet: You sold the tickets for booze

The Nurse: Oh, yeah. You should probably hand this job off to someone else

Lady Capulet: Fine, in that case help Paris with the decorations

Paris: Mmmmmmheygirlmmmm

The Nurse: (quickly grabs tickets) Ok, I'll be back in a flash

(exit)

(at the bar with Benvolio and Romeo)

Benvolio: Look, whattaya gonna do? So what, you gotta small dick?

Romeo: I still say it's normal. Besides, it's all in the technique.

Benvolio: What do ya mean?

Romeo: You know how in anime the main character sometimes goes off to train and they come back like 5 episodes later and wreck shop with the bad guy?

Benvolio: Yeah?

Romeo: Let's just say from the time I was 13, I've been practicing. With, you know, stamina and stuff.

Benvolio: (hesitantly)How much stamina are we talkin' about here?

Romeo: 3 hours.

Benvolio: In a row?

Romeo: Straight. I can physically and sexually exert myself for 3 hours straight.

Benvolio:...dear God

Romeo: Yep, had Rosalina given me the chance, I could of

Benvolio: Well listen, buddy, I'm gonna be like the Barney to your Ted or the Joey to your Ross.

Romeo: Aren't Ross and Ted basically the same exact character?

Benvolio: Fine, Ted and Chandler, anyway-

Romeo: Meh, I don't know, Chandler was kinda lame

Benvolio: Yeah, lame and a total bitch, like you. C'mon, he hooked up with Courtney Cox's character back when she was in her prime

Romeo: Yeah, fair enough

(enter the Nurse)

Benvolio: (notices the Nurse) Hey, haaaave ya met-

Nurse: Look, I don't give a shit about your shitting friend. The bartender just cut me off so I'll give you these tickets to a party if you buy me a drink

Benvolio: What kinda party?

Nurse: A fancy-fuck-the-poor kind of party at the Capulet place

Romeo: How big is it? Like, Great Gatsby big or Project X big?

Nurse: Jesus, does it really matter? Is it yay or nay on the booze?

Benvolio: Well, little lady, I think you got yerself a deal. (talking to the bartender) Hey, get this sweet thing a drink!

Nurse: (seductivly) Ooh, sweet thing, I think you'll find that I can be a bit salty

Benvolio: That so, my dollop?

Romeo: We're not actually going there are we?

Benvolio: You can bet your virginity we are!

Romeo: Why?

Benvolio: Because as mah satirical and comedic archetype states, I must be annoying, speak in a certain ar-tic-u-lation, and drag you around to dangerous places

Romeo: Didn't you get in a fight today with that Tybalt guy? What if he's there?

Benvolio: Then we'll bring a distraction, ya moron!

Romeo: A distract- Oh, god no

Benvolio: Yup

(at the entrance to the Capulet estate)

Benvolio: Where the hell is that boy?

Romeo: Running late?

(enter Mercutio)

Mercutio: Konichiwa, my nakama. Are you guys ready to have a desu desu sugoi time?

Romeo: (sighs heavily) Hey, Mercutio

Benvolio: Well, at least he ain't a cross-dressin' Chris Tucker


End file.
